Dear Dolly: ‘I ended my relationship last year, but now I regret it’

Q. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend seven months ago and still cannot seem to get over him. At first it was really easy and I felt so free after having ended it, but recently I want nothing more than to feel his love again and appreciate him for things I feel like I didn’t appreciate enough during our time together. He has a new girlfriend now and I feel so ashamed for not being over him and not having found someone else as well. Last year I wanted nothing more than to end it, and now I want nothing more than to get back together. I don’t know what to do.
A. Ah, classique. Très, très classique. I’m glad that you’re taking a moment to reflect on what these feelings mean. In your longer letter you talk of your embarrassment about your change of heart. You shouldn’t be embarrassed, but you absolutely should be questioning your180 on this fella as I’m not completely convinced it’s because you want to be in a relationship with him again.
The most telling words of your entire letter are: “I want to feel his love again.” It is the first thing you say you miss about him. There is a crucial difference between feeling the absence of someone’s company and feeling the absence of their love, even though the strength of yearning may seem the same. Missing his love means missing a feeling of safety and security; missing him as an individual means missing the mutual connection you had with each other.
I think you’re suddenly missing his love rather than him as an individual for a number of reasons. The first is that the pink haze of singledom has faded. I bet at some point in the few months after your break-up you experienced one/some/all of the following: snogged a stranger; went on a date; remembered what “nights out” are; lost anything from one to seven pounds; got a new haircut; bought an item with spaghetti straps; spent more time with your best friends; often been the centre of conversation when you are with your best friends; had many, many epiphanies about life on drink No 4; had a casual fling with someone and then convinced yourself it was love; become committed in some way to being extremely tanned; overrelated to the albums of Taylor Swift. This is the first flush of singledom after a long relationship that you wanted to get out of for a while. It’s exhilarating, surprising and full of novelty. It cannot last for ever. There will still be moments of this feeling in long-term single life, but that feeling of intense freedom and constant fun does mellow out. It doesn’t mean that you need to return to your relationship.
The other matter at play is the fact that he has moved on to someone else. It’s normal to suddenly “appreciate” an ex as soon as they are in a new relationship. I don’t think this is as simple as wanting someone just because someone else wants them. I think it’s about seeing them through the eyes of someone new. At the end of a relationship it is often so hard to remember the things that made the beginning of the relationship feel so full of promise. Seeing or even just hearing that someone has fallen in love with one of your ex-partners jolts you back into the memories of those early days again — what it was that initially attracted you to them. It’s natural to feel envy that someone else gets to experience that version of your ex from the start again. And it’s also understandable that this would make you feel wistful or nostalgic or even homesick for them. Particularly when the aforementioned pink haze of singledom has cleared.
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Another thing to consider is whether you’re feeling sadness because he’s in a relationship and you’re on your own. Perhaps you place a high social value on having a partner (you would not be alone, many people do this) and you feel a sense of injustice or embarrassment that he has a girlfriend and you are single. If this is the case, think about where this need for a relationship to feel personal security may come from, and where else you can find that sense of confidence, calm and self-worth without reaching for a boyfriend. Spend more time with single women who are in a good groove with their routines and happy being unattached; it will give you inspiration for how to find peace and contentment when you’re not in a relationship.
Above all else, remember that your instinct is your best adviser. It told you to end your relationship and when you did it told you — very strongly — that it was the right decision. Whatever feelings of regret you have now, I would wait before taking action. I think they may pass and you’ll be glad that you didn’t go back on your decision, causing both you, your ex and his new partner unnecessary anguish. Give it a year and see how you feel. If nothing has changed by then, you know where I am.
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